getting through the day

how do we do it? how do we get through the day with the weight that we carry around?

the truth is: i have no idea.

when jeff was first diagnosed, one of the hardest things to deal with was the day-to-day nature of cancer and cancer treatment. one day is fine, the next is bad: the only certainty is the complete uncertainty.

by nature, i am a planner. i like to know where the day, the week, the month is going to take me. i like to know that j is going to happily leave the house in the morning, go to work, come home at 6. i like to know that on the weekend that he will happily want to go to the farmer's market, take a to the park, say something that will make me laugh.

sometimes, i live not just day-to-day, but hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute. and the crazy thing is that it's become completely normal. maybe that's how i get through the day: i just do.

sometimes, it's like the cancer doesn't even exist. other times, it's like the cancer is smothering me.

i hate the days that are ruined by the cancer. and i don't mean the days when j feels so awful from the treatments that he can barely lift his head. i mean the days when it all weighs so heavily on your mind and on your heart and on your soul that all the light is taken out of life. i hate to look back on a day and say, i wanted to go get a new toaster, but instead i was trapped in the house being driven insane by the idea of cancer.

because even though this sounds contrite, it means the cancer has won. and i don't want the cancer to win.